I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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