Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm like, not good at living.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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