i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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