They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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