it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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