i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
