I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
