just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize