His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
