He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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