No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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