I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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