you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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