Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You need Xanax blowdarts
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
