does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Randomize
