He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
