you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
