why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
