On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
