Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize