I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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