Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Your penis caused this!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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