how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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