Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
