I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
