You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
