I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
