I wanna bring you to show and tell
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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