got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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