two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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