Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
