the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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