When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
