??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
