mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
This is my life. Enjoy the view
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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