I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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