The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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