hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
