that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
