My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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