Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
