Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
