Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
