I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
