dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
