at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
