the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
