dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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