I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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