I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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