Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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