i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
