just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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