first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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