Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
how does that bad decision feel?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
