It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
