Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
