I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
