see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
