I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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