you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
