I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
