I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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