Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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